What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

She found it foreign!.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I don,t even have a pension.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

What was the craziest place that you had sex with someone in public?

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

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We were not on the streets..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I write beautiful poetry .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

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Ive learnt so much.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Why do some of those who believe in a god refuse to consider the possibility they could be wrong?

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

How do you stop your balls from sweating?

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

What type of crossdresser are you?

This is soul school!.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Especially a lifetime of it.

She was in good health!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He resisted the act ,that day.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

One cannot live in the past .

Put me off passion for life!!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I will be 64.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Would this be the day?

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

And i lived it daily.

So, i spoilt her more .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I know ,a lot about trauma.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

What did i know ?

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I said to her

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

When she asked me how she looked .

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

She wouldn,t have been !

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Comes on , in middle age.

He knew the spot.

Who then, do I blame.?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I never cut or harmed myself..

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I think the readers, may guess!

We all went to grammer schools

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I was seconnd youngest,

I could never make a relationship work though!

I couldn’t, believe it.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

All the time i was locked up.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

It was going to be , some day.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

But, we were locked up after school.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

But it wasn’t much.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I have no regrets .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Was to survive, this bastard.

She married twice! .

But ive been too sick for many years..

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

She loved him until the end.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

My family never makes their pension either.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

My life is so biszare .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Why did i forgive my father ?

I was very sick at this time too.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I was scared of men, in general

So whats the point in blame.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I was 9 years of age.

I waited trembling.

Im still living with it.